Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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