I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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