Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
