It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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