Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
