apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
