when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
