In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
