why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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