I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
