guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
