I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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