I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
