a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
