her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
