As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
