I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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