1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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