Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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