you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
