I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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