When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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