Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
