Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
