I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
