No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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