i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize