Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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