Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize