omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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