I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
