i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
