I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
