she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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