In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
