I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
