I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
