Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He? As in you personified your dick?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
