i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
