hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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