Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
