Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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