There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
