Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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