That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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