either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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