just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
