im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
