oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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