Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
