Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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