i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize