Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
