I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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