White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize