So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We had to coat check the pizza.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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