I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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