i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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