I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
