So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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