btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My bed smells like the plague
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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