Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
