Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
