i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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