Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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