God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
