3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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