So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
