It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
