Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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