WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
