By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
