I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
